What to Say When Your Child Says, “I’m Not Good at This”

Helping Kids Replace Negative Self-Talk with Confidence-Building Words

We’ve all heard it—your child tries something new, struggles a bit, and suddenly you hear the dreaded phrase:

“I’m not good at this.”

Whether it’s a math, tying shoelaces, or riding a bike, these moments aren’t just about the task. They’re about self-belief. And as a parent or caregiver, what you say next can shape how your child views challenges for years to come.

Let’s talk about why kids say this, what it really means, and exactly what to say to help them grow a stronger and kinder inner voice.

What “I’m Not Good at This” Really Means

When a child says, “I’m not good at this,” they’re not always making a statement of fact. They’re often saying:

“I’m frustrated.”

“This feels too hard.”

“I’m afraid I’ll fail.”

“I need someone to believe in me.”

These words are a signal that your child’s confidence is wavering and they don’t yet have the tools to push through.

What Not to Say

Sometimes, in trying to help, we accidentally shut them down:

“Yes, you are! You’re great at everything!” This sounds nice, but it is not believable.

“Don’t say that.” (Shuts down emotion).

“Just keep trying.” (Good advice, but too vague in the moment.)

Your child isn’t looking for a pep talk—they need connection, validation, and a strategy.

What to Say Instead

Here are three powerful responses that validate emotions and build resilience:

1. “It’s okay to struggle. That’s how we learn new things.”

This normalizes mistakes and sets the expectation that learning isn’t supposed to be easy. You’re teaching your child that effort matters more than being perfect right away.

2. “You’re not good at it yet—but you’re getting better each time you try.”

That little word yet makes a big difference. It opens the door to possibility and keeps your child’s mindset flexible instead of fixed.

3. “What part is hardest right now? Let’s work on that together.”

This shows them they’re not alone. Breaking down the task helps build problem-solving skills and makes the challenge feel more manageable.

Try This Tool: “Reframe the Thought”

When your child says:

“I’m not good at this.”

Guide them to reframe it as:

“This is hard for me right now, but I can get better with practice.”

You can even create a “Reframe Chart” for the fridge with common negative thoughts and positive swaps. Over time, they’ll start doing it on their own.

Coach’s Tip

Don’t rush to fix the feeling—slow down and sit with it. When your child knows it’s safe to feel frustrated and keep going, they build true inner strength. Every “I can’t” moment is an opportunity to teach courage, patience, and trust in the process.

Final Thought

Your child doesn’t need to be good at everything. But they do need to believe that they are capable of learning, growing, and improving. That belief starts with the words they hear from you—especially when things get tough.

So, the next time you hear, “I’m not good at this,” smile gently and say, “You’re still learning—and I believe in you.”